A Study in the Wild: Queen’s Students in Their Natural Habitat
by Ellen Lundy
Here we observe the Queen’s University Belfast student in their natural habitat.
The student has had a long week. It is Tuesday.
According to the student, they are ‘flat out.’ This assessment is based on attending two lectures, replying ‘so sorry, I’m literally just seeing this now’ into three group chats and emotionally preparing to open Canvas. This is considered a full workload for the student species.
The student claims they have ‘no time’ to do a food shop. This is interesting, as the same student can be found in the Students’ Union every night, somehow discovering both the time and the money to sink pints until closing. Scientists have been unable to explain this contradiction, though early research suggests that students can survive without groceries, but not without a discounted red bull double vodka from the SU on a Sunday.
We now observe the student migrating to the McClay Library. This is not for academic reasons. They have evolved now to consider optics.
The laptop is open. The essay is not. The true goal is to be geographically tagged in a place associated with productivity, allowing other students to feel briefly inferior.
The student types one sentence. They lean back. They deserve a break. Sentence production expended too much energy. A brief 2-hour trip to Lavery’s for £4 pints is required to refuel.
Social behaviour remains cautious. Seminars requiring speaking aloud are approached with the same energy as public executions. Eye contact with a tutor is avoided. The student tries to turn off their camera and go back to sleep but then remembers this is real life. Scientists refer to this as the ‘PFC Phenomenon’ where all sense of reality is lost for those that find themselves trapped within its walls for an extended period time (anything over 1 minute).
As night falls, something changes. Panic arrives. Between 11pm and 3am, the student enters a brief but powerful productivity state. Entire assignments are completed in the McClay, fuelled by a black monster and the knowledge that it is too late to procrastinate.
By morning, the student is exhaust- ed. They will cancel plans due to “having been so busy.” The student will then relax. No impending deadline. Unlimited screentime. Number of tutorials attended that week unknown.
The Queen’s student has survived another week.
They have earned a rest.
They will not use it to get ahead on next week’s readings.
The student never learns.
