Grief at University: Explanation for the Unexplainable
By Katie McShane
‘Tis the season of introspection and all through the college, students are grappling with their newfound self-knowledge.
As we enter February in the new year and university term, resolutions and self-reflections are still (just about) in the air. I’m sure I’m not the only student looking back over the past year as well as what the future months may bring. From the still-disheartening weather to the already gone memories of Christmas, the winter season was a roller-coaster of complicated emotions. For students, this time of year brings a triumphant return to uni ready to tear up the city during refreshers, and a return to the McClay the week after, defeated. However, for many including myself, this time is also decorated with loss and remembrance. Despite what the title says, this article is NOT a sad one, so put down the tissues. This is simply one student’s recording of something many of us face: grief.
I’ve found university can be healing to a certain extent, as long as you find a balance. Leaving a small town where everyone knows you and your family to somewhere you can be a total stranger is a strange and exhilarating experience as many of you may have found. It can also be like a breath of fresh air, finally getting away from the places touched with a tough year.
I know I am very lucky to be granted this break, other people cannot ‘escape’ as I have. Not that I have completely recovered or forgotten – far from it. I still carry that feeling with me but University and the joys that come with it have allowed me to rest it down. It’s a second space and I have degrees of separation from my family and friends at times. Never isolating, sometimes disorientating I feel free to live again on my own timeline. At Uni I’m so busy I never know what day it is whilst my calendar in my bedroom at home is still stuck in January 2024.
Of course, ‘laying the burden down’, does not mean I have been ‘cured’ of my grief but rather (to be candid) I am not reminded near constantly about it. Sympathy can be lovely and it’s nice to know people care but having your brow technician give you her condolences mid eyebrow wax is an experience more awkward than touching.
What is also confusing about this shift is an un-placeable feeling of guilt. And another reminder that grief is not an emotion as such but rather a state of being that itself brings forward a whole host of feelings; anger, frustration, sadness, disbelief, and yes guilt. There are times I can feel guilty for enjoying myself, making friends, or seeming to ‘move on’, when I know my family are grieving back home. Other times it feels as if I should be ‘over it’ by now and I feel almost embarrassed. If you’re anything like me let this be a reminder to you – grief and grieving is not linear. It’s important to get out there and have fun, but to also allow yourself to accept your feelings when you feel down.
And so, we come to the Big Question – “how do you deal with grief whilst at university?”. The answer? I don’t know. For me at least I try not to complicate the matter. Grief is not normal or consistent so we cannot put tangible constraints on it. We deal with it the way that feels best (as long as it’s healthy), joining society’s or curling up with a book, it’s your grief so your answer is what works best for you. As I’ve mentioned, this time away can be so healing in so many different regards, and as you find yourself among this new scenery take the time to find a version of you whose accepted their grief and is learning to live with that loss.
This article has little purpose but to remind students that this is not a unique experience. Grief is something everyone has or will struggle with, and you should never be afraid or embarrassed to reach out and distribute some of that weight. The Student Union offers drop-in mental health support and Cruse NI offers lots of information on their webpage. Enjoy your time at Uni in every respect and accept all feelings that come with it – it’s all a part of the experience.
