I consume; therefore, I am
I consume; therefore, I am.
I open Tik Tok to see what the girlies are calling “niche” this week and take said information on board so I can appear cool. I play some Cocteau Twins. I feel good… no wait, not good enough (Blood Orange reference). Mazzy Star will cure me, hopefully.
Scroll some more; I find a new niche coffee shop that sells its niche latte for a new low niche price of 5 quid. I purchase; I feel good. I feel “curated.” Dare I say… whimsical?
More Tik Tok time. I land on a hidden gem (undisclosed advertisement); it’s some lady standing in a beige kitchen, and she’s telling me I NEED a Ninja Creami, and she’s so right. Does it matter if I work in an ice cream shop with regular access to the frozen whipped delight? Probably not. Man, I just love cognitive dissonance (buzzword). I schedule myself on two eight-hour shifts of scooping the stuff so I can afford to wait 24 hours. at a time for a crappier version of it, but at least there’ll be protein in it. Mmmm.
I buy regardless; the incoming dopamine hit feels fantastic. I need more. A slushy machine next, and a grill, and two air fryers, one for sweet, one for savoury: need more, more, more. I am curating. Granted, it’s not art, but a beautiful ninja ecosystem in my kitchen? Many will marvel; few will understand. It is my niche, after all.
It will get left behind in my cupboard somewhere, and I’ll buy another when a different colour is released: that’s my God-given right. God in this scenario is a balding man in a high-rise office somewhere.
He is pleased with me and rewards me through my specially curated algorithm that makes my friends jealous of how cool I appear to be. So, I buy more, maybe some gems to bedazzle the single-use plastic cup I use to drink Coke Zero out of in my own home. Inject the microplastics into my bloodstream, please.
For those who say I lack authentic personality, I raise them my perfect consumption; it requires taste to be this baseline.
I think I’ll get into what Yamaha has going on next. There’s untapped potential there. I’ve always wanted a keyboard, or maybe a motorcycle, perhaps even an escalator. That’s why I love consumption; it teaches me to dream big. Could your charity shop jacket do the same? Doubtful!
