How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days (or Shorter): A universal guide to the modern dating experience

By Ellen Lundy

In the ever-expanding universe of online dating, navigating through the myriad of personalities can often feel like a daunting task. From the charming to the utterly perplexing, each swipe brings forth a new potential suitor, each with their own unique set of quirks and characteristics. However, amidst the sea of profiles lies common types of players in the dating game. Here are just a few:

The Narcissus:

The Narcissus, a creature so enamoured with itself that it expects the world to share in its adoration. With an arsenal of selfies and a bio that reads like a self-help manual, the Narcissus is quick to make it all about them. Conversation with this type of person is like to talking to a mirror – one-sided and reflective of their own ego. Beware, for beneath the surface lies crippling insecurity that calls for constant validation.

The Ghost:

The Ghost, a phantom of the digital realm, haunts dating apps with its elusive presence. Conversations with the Ghost are sparse and fleeting, leaving one wondering if they ever truly existed at all. Often identified by their lack of social skills and an affinity for profile pictures featuring cars, the Ghost leaves behind a trail of unanswered questions and unfulfilled promises.

The Zombie:

Rising from the depths of forgotten conversations comes the Zombie, a phantom of the past that you find revived in the form of a “you good?” message. Caught between the realms of the living and the dead, you must decide whether to engage with this undead suitor or let sleeping corpses lie.

The Parrot:

A personal favourite among the plethora of dating app personas, the Parrot is a master of mimicry. Agreeing with every whim and desire, the Parrot lulls its prey into a false sense of security before revealing its true intentions. If you were to ask the parrot to marry you in Vegas tomorrow, it would tell you that the flights are already booked. However, beware the Parrot, for beneath its agreeable façade lies a cunning predator ready to swoop in for the kill and stalk away in the dead of night once they obtain their true goal.

The Mr. Darcy:

Rare and elusive, the Mr. Darcy of dating apps is a beacon of hope in a sea of uncertainty. Genuine in their intentions and open in their communication, the Mr. Darcy is a true rarity. Though they may stumble along the way like the real Mr. Darcy, their sincerity shines through, offering a glimmer of hope in the tumultuous world of online dating that our own Jane Austen romance is only a few swipes away.

Conclusion:

At the end of the day, navigating the treacherous waters of dating apps can often feel like a Herculean task. However, by recognising the various personas that populate this digital landscape, you can better equip yourself for the journey ahead. Whether encountering a Narcissus, a Ghost, or even a Parrot, remember that amidst the chaos, there exists the possibility of finding your own Mr. Darcy – a genuine connection in a sea of superficiality.

Edited by Luke Dunlop