The Bachelorette in Hatfield
By Conor Mallon
Mia and Rachel are each down to one man looking for lifelong love; both women join Jesse Palmer as they watch the shocking conclusions to their journeys play out; the new bachelor makes his debut on the sticky Hatfield dancefloor.
Mia and Rachel engage a friendly smile, their anxieties running extremely high, with the futures of their romantic lives resting on tonight. The mood is set as Killeagh is playing and the bartender has provided the lovely ladies with complimentary refresher bombs on the house.
Suddenly, the mood shifts, horse outside can be heard molesting eardrums from the speakers. There is a knock on the door. Enter Eoin, 21-year-old Quantity Surveying and Commercial Management undergraduate hailing from the mighty green pastures of Donaghmore, County Tyrone. Eoin’s hobbies include stealing traffic cones in the Holylands and playing football for his beloved Donaghmore St Patrick’s.
It is love at first sight as both women seem to be swooning at the heels for young Eoin. Both Mia and Rachel are very impressed with the formal attire Eoin has arrived in. He sports a beautifully stitched O’Neill’s Tyrone quarter-zip paired wonderfully with a tailored skin-tight pair of Donaghmore shorts.
Introductions are skipped.
“Black stuff!” Eoin exclaims to the bartender, barking orders being preferred over civil introductions.
Mandatory Guinness down the hatch, Eoin shakes hands with the lovely ladies. The burger meets the bun. However, the bun has become rather soggy. In a rush it seems Eoin forgot to wash the slurry off his hands that he was using whilst out fertilizing.
ChatGPT was writing his assignment on the walk over. His degree is a wonderful thing.
First Mia and Eoin go on their date.
Mia and Eoin exchange a nice hug before sitting down at the table. Eoin pulls out Mia’s chair for her to sit down, a classy touch from the young gent. However, Mia seems annoyed, distant now.
“What are ye doing”, she barks, very territorial.
“Chivalry,” Eoin replies,
“Me mam taught me it.”
Mia is so upset. Her typical Hatfield types are the council-house massives. She was expecting a wee slap on the ass. A little something to boost her clearly lacking self-worth. Trying to boost Mia’s morale quickly, Eoin thinks of what he could complement her on,
“I love your outfit!”, he cries out.
Nice one, he thinks to himself,
“And… uh… your make-up too”.
He is on a roll. Mia is sporting a very original outfit. Gymshark leggings, a Whitefox hoodie and New-Balance shoes. Where does she find all these rare, beautiful clothes?
Mia and Eoin hit it off. Both share an emphatic passion for collecting memorabilia. Eoin collects the underwear of his sexual conquests, hanging them on the living-room dartboard for all his housemates to see. Mia collects the training gear of all the boys she lets walk all over her femininity, she must have every possible combination of initials from A-Z belonging to all over the emerald isle in her chest of drawers.
Next up for a date with Eoin is Rachel. They don’t have the same connection as Eoin and Mia, due to hailing from different economic backgrounds. Rachel’s father is a descendent of old landed gentry, still possessing some of that estate money. He now works in finance, and her mother is a solicitor. Rachel has never wanted for anything, except maybe a purpose or direction in life.
Rachel is a rare case; you would think that, due to her favourable financial position, she would possess an access to a higher level of cultural capital that distances her from her Palestine Street peers. Yet, here she is, in her Kaiia hoodie and Nike Pro shorts.
“What do you do for Uni then?” Eoin asks, a nice respectful icebreaker.
“Quantity surveying in Ulster, third year,” Rachel retorts.
“No way, me too!” Eoin excitedly exclaims.
It turns out this pair have been in the same seminars every year since first year, as well as the exact same group presentations for every assignment. Talk about invisible string theory! However, neither bothered to attend a single class over the last 3 years. This is their first encounter.
Eoin feels an intense attraction to Rachel now, given their similar academic interests. He performs the signature Holylands mating call, singing the lyrics of a song directly into the face of Rachel. Zombie by The Cranberries is playing. Could it get any more romantic than this?
“I love this song,” Rachel says, not a thought behind her eyes.
“Me too!” Eoin declares.
“This, Noah Kahan, and Olivia Dean are my favourites,” Rachel bellows, her unique personality shining as bright as St. Elmo’s Fire.
Both dates over, Rachel and Mia are left with a big decision. Do they hand Eoin a red rose and invite him to stay in their mouldy bedroom or send him packing?
Drumroll please!
Neither woman gives Eoin a rose. An electrical engineering student that plays county stole their affections. His walk back to Cairo Street is neither a long nor a hard one, but rather lonely. To cope with his frustrations, he kicks the wing mirrors off 9 cars.
