Judgment Day – God v Bezos
By Cailtin Small
Do you stockpile the Shloer and Pringles as soon as Halloween is over? Do you set alarms for Black Friday so you get the best deals on gifts? Is Prime Day a bigger event for you than Christmas Day itself? If so, take some time to reflect. I don’t mean to sound holier than thou (no pun intended), but is this the real meaning of Christmas? Not to get all puritan, but maybe we can all do without clearing the shelves of Tesco, only for it to end up in our bins and donate a hot meal to someone in need. Lord knows they are having a worse Christmas than you. So, before you press ‘buy’ on your Amazon cart chock-full of stuff you definitely need, and worship Bezos’ sweet, sweet deals, consider how Jesus would feel! The Messiah has looked down from high and seen the state of the world, and He’s not afraid to ask Papa to instil fear over idolatry. Court is now in session! Reporting live from the Celestial Realm, it appears the straw has finally broken the biblical camel’s back! Jesus has filed a lawsuit against Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, under the charge “Sacrilegious commercialisation of Christianity for personal gain!” Presiding Judge St. Nicholas has put forward the charge of being condemned to life in purgatory, forced to direct local nativity plays for eternity. Whether or not Bezos will suffer is up to a jury panel that consists of friends and foes: minimum wage retail workers, victims of Christmas light-induced blindness, mega-church leaders and so on.
The Prosecution
Lead prosecutor, the Burning Bush (with a law degree?) lights the courtroom up – literally – with its opening statement, making claims that Bezos has perverted the true meaning of Christmas in all its entirety. “No longer is Christmas a celebration of the birth of Christ, a time to reflect… to be generous and give to those in need!”, the prosecution declares. Now, pleading for a morsel of understanding, they set the scene. “Imagine yourself walking through a city in the cold, unforgiving winter months. You don’t even have enough money for a hot drink, let alone some gifts for your family or a coat on your back. Forget even thinking about asking for help; you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. Instead of giving back, overconsumption has consumed us! If there is anyone who is to blame for the travesty that is now ‘Christmas,’ it is this man.” Upon hearing this, Bezos scoffed under his breath, “Give me a break! If I’m here, then where’s the guy that put Santa Claus all over Coca-Cola’s billboards?”
The Defence
Representing Bezos, Judas Iscariot stands, slicking back his oiled-up hair, jingling bags of silver in his pockets. He begins his argument, appearing unprepared but seeming to have drawn inspiration from good old Jeff beside him, stating, “Members of the jury, I cometh before all ye here in defence of Jeffrey, son of Bezos, and verily I ask ye all to look inwards, and do unto others as ye would have them do unto you. Who am I kidding… I’ll speak in simple terms. We’ve all been there – it’s 2 am, you can’t sleep, and to pass the time, you hop on Amazon. Money’s tight right now, it always is. So, when a good deal comes up on your screen, it’s impossible to resist. I mean, come on! We know I love a good transaction as much as the next guy,” Judas stifles a laugh before continuing, “If Mr Bezos is guilty, then so are all of us by association. There was no gun to your head while you pressed add to cart, Kevin.” “If we really want to prosecute the original peer pressures, then where are the three wise men at St Nick? Gold, frankincense, and myrrh seem pretty overindulgent to me… Now, I shall end with this: let him without an Amazon Prime subscription cast the first stone.”
The Verdict
After deliberation, the jury returns. Bezos reluctantly turns to the jury in a final attempt to gain their pity; however, he remains unsuccessful as the jurors couldn’t see much sorrow behind his red, beady eyes. Cracking his gavel down in one fell swoop, the judge calls for order; the final verdict must commence. The lead juror stands, exclaiming they have found Bezos guilty of his charges. Witnesses gasp… and then shrug once they realise that they aren’t really that surprised. Bezos rises; he’s furious! He’s turning to the mega-church leader, betrayed by a friend turned foe; it appears he remembered he’s meant to be a Christian (talk about covering your backside). Dragged away to life in purgatory, Bezos, never to be seen again. Snow begins to fall, peace on earth ensues, blah blah blah… You get the picture.
On a real note
The moral of the story is to stop buying 15 Stanley Cups. No one is forcing you to kneel before God instead, especially not me – but if there’s one thing to take away from this, put down your phone. You don’t want to remember this Christmas as the one where you bought 40 rolls of toilet paper off some weird ad you saw on TikTok. Christmas has changed from what it used to be, and maybe that’s ok. But, you can’t deny that it would be detrimental to let it continue morphing into a competition of who can get themself into the most credit card debt. January is depressing enough as it is without having to deal with that too.
