Agony Aunt : My Partner Wants an Open Relationship… Help!

Imagine you are on a date – it could be a first date, or it could be a romantic night out with your partner who you’ve been with for years. Everything is perfect. They’re striking the perfect balance between interested and interesting; you feel fabulous. 

Suddenly, a random pulls up a chair. “[Insert name]!”, your partner cries. “You made it! I’m so glad you could come!”.  

They hug, and cling to each other a little too long, like they’re trying to feel the slip of each other’s skin under their clothes. You’re grinning insincerely, feeling a bit like a spare part, twiddling your thumbs and waiting for someone to tell you how the pair know each other.  

Ultimately, no-one tells you how they know each other, and before you know it: you blink, you’re in your own bedroom, and the three of you are contorting yourselves in all manners across a bed, that in your mind, was made for two. 

     I can only imagine this is what you might be feeling like.  

The phantom other.  

A reader has written in:  

“My partner wants an open relationship… help!” 

This write-in seems to be relatively simple, but I think the absence of details does make this quite a tricky one. 

Off the bat, I’m just going to assume you don’t want an open relationship. Perfectly reasonable. I think you have fair reason to be concerned – in my world, an ‘open relationship’ has become a somewhat weaponized term. It leaves a lot of grey area for subjectivity and bargaining, so people can, frankly, have their cake and eat it. 

To me, an open relationship is where you have sincere emotional investments with one person but may have other emotional connections/sleep with other people, either involving or in the absence of your ‘original partner.’ A slippery slope reader, to hope that your partner does not develop emotional connections with said phantom others that could eclipse your original monogamous love… leaving you twiddling your thumbs? 

In the LGBT+ community, open relationships are arguably far more common compared to straight couples. But that’s subjective. If you’ve said ‘partner’, I don’t know if you’re in a straight or queer relationship – I’m swaying more towards the latter, because of the word choice. So, if you’re in a queer relationship, take into consideration the contextual framework your partner may feel they’re working within. They may think that openness is natural next step. However, if I’ve got the nature of your relationship totally wrong, then I’m sorry for the misunderstanding*.  

     *Note to anyone thinking of writing in – the more details you’re willing to share, the more accurate I can try to be.  

I think timeline is an important factor here. Only you know how long you and your partner have been dating for, but let’s run through a few different scenarios.  

1. ‘They’re not saying it saying it, but they’re telling you they’re going to hurt you’ (1-4 months): 

If you have been dating your partner for 1-4 months and they’re already telling you they want an open relationship, then be prepared to accept that singular emotional investment and long term commitment is in no way on this person’s mind right now, in the same way it may be for you. Perhaps this person has made you their ‘official’ partner to fulfil their desires for the relationship-y parts of your dynamic, that would otherwise be abandoned in something defined far more casually. Or openly. They’re getting all the pros of a monogamous relationship, with the added pro of sexual autonomy. If this isn’t for you: it’s no skin off your nose. I would say jump ship (WHOOPS sorry).  

2. ‘Love Honey Subscription me thinks’ (5-10 months) 

Perhaps the honeymoon phase has worn off. Maybe your partner feels they can get different types of love and sex from other people, and they want to explore that. I would suggest using toys, new positions, exploring kinks etc. first. These early stages of dating, you’re still getting to know someone in all areas. Don’t jump the gun on inviting someone to pull up a chair to your dinner date, so to speak. You’re still emotionally and sexually getting to know one another. But for sure – maybe try and spice it up in the bedroom, and see what conversations manifest from that.  

3. ‘Have the talk.’ (1+ year[s]) 

I think, as a very very very rough rule of thumb, more so for penned expedience and Agony Aunt backed heuristics, 1 year marks the point that if your partner wants to have the conversation of full-on proper openness: then we shouldn’t bring out the firing squad right away. Have the talk. Let them land.  

But: I’m telling you now that I’m biased. I think open relationships are tricky waters. I wouldn’t do it; that’s just my preference. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but the possibility of a successful open relationship is dependent on:  

• Clear boundaries 

• Both parties being equally enthusiastic (not one being enthusiastic and one being tolerant) 

• Respectful in both the conversation process and execution  

• Clear of their desire for one another, just between the two of them  

Up until now, we’ve been quite cynical – but, if we take the angle that maybe this is a kink or fantasy of your partners that has just manifested a bit clumsily, where they’ve misconstrued generally polygamy with sexual exploration, then let’s give them their grace. Everyone has wants. Threesomes (or more) are a very normal one. I suggest you ask the question: 

“What does an open relationship mean to you, and why do you want one? How do you think it will benefit us?”  

Exploration of kinks or relationship styles can be done maturely: one nice way to go about this is to use a dating app. Any and all will work, but ‘Feeld’ is well known for this sort of stuff. Co-create a profile both of you have access to and agree on what you want from your ‘open partner’. This is if you’re bringing someone in for both of you. How you meet people individually, arguably, can be done pretty [I hate this word], organically… coffee shops, friends of friends. Bar. Club. Mountain in Soho. Wherever.  

I mention the latter because, openness is of course not just fun and wild threesomes that involve you, reader. It’s your partner going on dates and sleeping with other people (WHILST YOU’RE AT HOME), and them having sustained emotional connections with the not- so-phantom-others too…. gulp. Is that something you will be 100% okay with, and do yourself? 

Mutual enthusiasm is vital here. If you feel there is a huge imbalance where your partner is out incredibly often on dates/sleepovers, and you’ve barely (and unwillingly) scratched the openness surface, then watch out for phrases such as: 

“You shouldn’t feel jealous, because you can go and do the same thing, and I would be fine with it”.  

That’s not an open relationship. That is them emotionally checking out from your feelings.  

I am all in favour of sexual exploration, kinks, fantasies, and engaging in intimacy and relationship styles with all walks and talks of people. However, if you think an open relationship pushes a boundary too far for you, then it’s your prerogative to let your partner know where you draw the line. And if they find fault with that in a big way – you need to find someone with closer values around sexuality/emotional commitment to you. Polyamory does not necessarily mean unfaithfulness. But monogamy and polyamory will never go hand in glove. If you and your partner aren’t on the same page there, then step back and have a think.    

Your partner is not a bad person for wanting this. We all love love. And if there is any way to get more of it, why wouldn’t we. But when it comes to open relationships: two enthusiasts will always trump a tolerant and an enthusiast.  

Perhaps the ‘1 month – 1 year timeline’ rule was a little bit Marie Claire of me. Ah well, you’re the ones who keep coming back and reading… and I love you. I love all of you. I want to read all your questions and write to more than one of you. I’m not satisfied with just uno. I WANT MORE! Readers, I think we should explore being open. 

     Oh shi-…. 

AA x