Strong Female Character: Fern Brady’s Story of Living with Undiagnosed Autism
By Alicia McCormack
Sixteen-year-old Fern Brady was sitting alone in her school library – intently reading a psychiatry manual – when she first came across a definition of autism. She froze. She had been desperately searching to figure out what it was that everyone else deemed wrong with her. Doctors diagnosed her with OCD and depression. Peers decided she was a ‘weirdo’. Her family concluded she must have been born an ‘arsehole’. Now, for the first time, Fern had a term that matched her feelings. She went to her psychiatrist with this newfound information. He laughed in her face.
“You can’t have it. You’re making eye contact with me, aren’t you? And you said you have a boyfriend. So no, you don’t fit the criteria”.
Almost twenty years later, at age thirty-four, Fern was finally diagnosed with autism. This memoir is a brutally honest account of a life spent trying to keep up with a world that refused to understand why she wouldn’t just shut up and be like everyone else. From her strict Catholic upbringing in a working-class town in Scotland, to a tumultuous university experience in Edinburgh, to moving to London to pursue her current thriving career as a stand-up comedian, Fern received zero assistance or support appropriate to her needs. Limited medical understanding of autism in women and the existence of harmful and inaccurate stereotypes made it impossible for her to understand herself and for those in her life to show her any empathy.
Brady’s writing style is integral to the impact of her story. She narrates with a dry wit and darkly humourous observations even while describing some of the most traumatic events in her life. Other critics have found this disturbing, but it is a reflection of how she sees the world. Brady doesn’t sugarcoat the uncomfortable situations that come along with an autism diagnosis. Even people without autism can see a part of themselves in the book – usually, well-meaning people, who are so used to their own worldview that they can’t comprehend how someone else is finding the smallest things so difficult. Fern worked at Boots in school and was instructed to tell customers about a new mascara, which she interpreted in the most literal sense. “Awful. Terrible”, she happily told them, “try this one instead”. Very soon she had lost her job.
Working in an office, she was forbidden from blasting heavy metal in her headphones because it looked unprofessional. Instead blaring in her ears was the frantic tapping of keyboards, the slurping out of flasks, the beeping of phones. The buzz of everyday life that overwhelmed Brady to the point of crippling anxiety. It’s unsettling to realise the extent of the ableism in our society. A normal day at school, university, conventional workplaces, or social occasions created some of Brady’s worst memories. Brady’s night shift as a stripper was the first job of hers to offer solace. The dark moody lighting, the flexible hours, and the eccentricities of the other girls made it impossible for them to judge her. Her strip club bosses were unwittingly accommodating her needs. She makes the interesting observation that the places most frowned upon by ‘respectable’ society can be a refuge for people who don’t fit in.
The story culminates with Fern grappling with the revelations her diagnosis provides. But there is no neat happy ending. She hasn’t finally ‘found herself’. Fern has accepted she will have to live the rest of her life in a society designed for non-autistic people. She has accepted she may continue to be misunderstood and dismissed as a nuisance. She chose to write this book initially from a place of anger. Her rage glimmers from the early pages. But in the writing process, she changed her approach to instead write a story that would empower autistic women.
I admire the realism of the ending. There is a twinge of sadness from the knowledge she will always face challenges. But it is intertwined with hope. The hope is that by spilling all her long-held secrets, no matter how much it makes her squirm, someone will feel seen for the first time. And that someone else will recognize a person struggling in the fast-paced, unforgiving world we live in, and maybe help them out, even a little bit.
