Ask the Agony Aunt: Tips for Long-Distance Couples
Galileo wrote The Starry Messenger in 1610 – a book to explain cosmic complexities such as the appearance of the non-parallexical supernova star, and the four satellites that surround Jupiter. It was a ground-breaking text – arguably one of the first of its kind in the Copernican school of thought. Prior to Galileo’s work, most people wrongly believed that the earth was at the centre of the universe. To such ‘earth-at-the-centre’ believers, Galileo said: “Okay. So you have this idea in your head, and honey I so see you and I totally hear you. But let me hold your hand whilst I say this:
…It’s not.”
Galileo provided answers. He was the go-to guy for all things: celestial.
414 years later, I will be playing the part of Galileo.
In the way that Galileo advised the masses on the complexities of the universe, I will advise the masses on the complexities of the human condition… she says coyly.
Here we are: our first agony aunt column in the mighty Gown Newspaper’s history. I say our, because this is a patronage relationship, reader. What you provide is my material, and consequently I digest your question, churn up an answer, and feed it back to you in a delicious and satiating column format.
Think mother bird, baby bird. No need to thank me for the visual.
Let’s say that you have a question you’ve never voiced out loud before because, ooh ahh, it’s a little freaky? Or maybe your friends are bored of hearing it. Yet, ultimately, you are still left answer-less, and unsure of what to do?
Fret yee not – at this point you can take your query and write into my Agony Aunt’s questions box (all anonymous, I may add). I will do my best to make sense of your question, and offer a version of answer in return: tinged with humour but ultimately sincere in sentiment.
I’m holding your hand reader. I’m ready to debunk your non-Capernican ‘earth-is-at-the-centre-of-the-universe’ thoughts. We are ready to find the answers together. Galileo eat your heart out. Let us all be enlightened.
And so we commence…
Reader Writes In:
What is your advice for maintaining a long distance relationship at university?
Hello reader.
Firstly, I’d like to commend both you and your partner for attempting long distance. That shows trust and optimism for your futures together. However, I pluralise the word ‘future’, to ‘futures’, because ultimately you are separate people, in two separate stages of life.
Whilst you may both be at university, distance does of course rear its ugly head. This may be the first opportunity in your life where you’ve been able to strike out – move away from home, find some new friends, and inevitably make mistakes (where no one knows you well enough yet for it to particularly matter). That’s fantastic and exciting.
Now, we shouldn’t totally write off the long-distance idea as an anchor on one’s ankle. The times you are together again feel even more special, and when they send you a gorgeous picture after your 9am lecture, suddenly the birds chirp a little sweeter, and maybe life is worth living after all.
Of course, as we all can, I can suggest simple remedies:
- FaceTime calls (obviously)
- I have always been a fan of posted handwritten letters
- Taking pictures of things you see in the day, or creating ‘day in the life’ shared photo albums
- Making travel commitments to see each other
Um, fine – nothing new. Those are practical things. However, we’re all grown-ups here, and so we can acknowledge that long-distance is hard when trying to maintain sexual attraction and intimacy. However, I don’t think I can helpfully comment on that here, because there is no ‘right answer’.
Sexual pleasure with a partner sounds/feels/is different for everyone.
But if you don’t ever feel sexy when talking to your partner: whether over the phone or by text: then I think that should be addressed quickly – otherwise you may start to feel this partner of yours is just a mere penpal…
I’m not suggesting we do raunchy voice notes all day, every day. But: *takes breath, and holds reader’s hand à la Galileo*…
Your partner should be your friend… but they should ALSO make you laugh, console you, satisfy you, and help you to feel sexy and good about yourself, even whilst being remote. Simply: they should be a radiator in your life, and not a drain.
Partner-bereft reader, does your long-distance relationship’s pros outweigh its cons? Is this person helping warm up your university life? Or are they draining the fun out of it, when they’re texting you for updates, (potentially fuelled by insecurities) every time you’re out with your friends, or taking a while to respond to them.
University will always be a place to meet new romantic interests. If you feel your eye wandering, or you catch yourself flirting with your new lecture crush – maybe that’s a sign that now your long-distance relationship isn’t the radiator that it once was. And, that’s tough. But it’s okay – and very very normal. If you are really considering the future of your relationship together, the kind thing to do is to let them know that now. Before other people become involved, or tensions flare up too much.
This could mean talking about where you need to plug the gaps where you may both feel unsatisfied, or perhaps, it could mean going separate ways – either temporarily, or indefinitely if you actually don’t see this person being your ‘person’ at all.
I nominate the following for the soundtrack of today’s column:
- Bless The Telephone by Labi Siffre
- I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2
Long distance means your person is at the other end of the phone, making it easy for you to call and tell them you miss them. Alternatively, maybe university is a time to look around the corners of your new city, and find something new – for you, and you only.
So: reader. Thank you for writing in.
If you take anything from this column, let it be the following: if you and your partner don’t work out, that is okay. You have even more happiness waiting for you just around the corner. What a marvellous thought.
But, if it is so that you two can make the distance work: I will be delighted indeed. Do send me a Christmas Card.
This column is no Starry Messenger. My ‘answers’ are by no means gospel, I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong, and Lord knows I, of all civilians, am not perfect (and really this job shouldn’t have been given to someone as unqualified as me).
However, I hope this can be a place in print where we can find a few remedies in between the lines; but anything rash related – just go to your doctor. I’m actually not qualified for that.
Readers, I hope to hear from you soon.
Your loyal Agony Aunt,
Miss CE. Speaker
